Just Not Me

Today I took a photo of myself and decided to try to edit the bags out from under my eyes.
It just didn't look like me.
I've grown so accustomed to looking worn out that I don't know what it's like to look awake and alive.
I wish that someday this would change.
But for some reason I feel that I will always look just as I do now.
I'm learning to accept that...

I feel like I'm failing, I feel like I'm falling.

Over the past few days I've been really bummed.
And if you were to ask my why I'm bummed, I would probably tell you that I'm perfectly fine, because even I wouldn't know that I'm bummed.
I would think everything's fine and that I'm just being a little extra quiet today.
Well this is how I felt.
Until Heather questioned and prodded and I exploded a little.

Lately, I've been feeling like I'm not going anywhere.
I feel like I'm making multiple attempts to get back on track and I'm always fucking them up.
I'm slipping and occasionally I'm falling.
Now, don't get me wrong, failing is part of life. It's a healthy part of life.
And there are many times that I've failed at something and in the end I was glad that I did because of what I learned from that.
But I feel like I'm making the same mistake over and over and over.
I feel like I'm tackling the same thing ever day and I'm always messing up and never learning.
I KNOW what I'm doing wrong, I KNOW how I can fix it, and yet there I am every day.
Jumping and falling, running and stopping.
My willpower is suffering, and every time I mess up, it suffers a little more.
It's a vicious cycle that I'm having a hard time overcoming and I don't know why.
I've always been good at this.
I'm self-aware, I know when shit is fucked up and I know how to fix it.
I've always been good at self-improvement.
Maybe I'm just scared...

Mom asked me what I was going to do once I was out of school.
What I was aiming for.
What I wanted to do, and if school was going to get me there.
I immediately started crying.
A perfect example of how I can sometimes convince myself that everything is okay and that I have everything on track, when clearly, once presented with reality and no where to run, it's not.
I don't know what I'm doing.
I have never known what I am going to do.
I wing it.
You hear that everyone?!
I WING IT!
There is no plan. There is no schedule. There is no organization.
I don't know how to plan or do all of those things.
I've always been reckless and I don't know how to stop.
Sometimes I'm proud of that, and then sometimes I wonder why I can't just be normal.
Or abnormal, depending on whether organization is an abnormality or not.
This could be my best trait.
This could also be my biggest flaw.

I just don't know what I can do to help myself this time.
I feel like I need help.
But how does one go about asking for help for a matter like this?
The only person that can help me, is me.
It's always been like that, and it will remain like that.
And I guess that means that this post is just a rant, and nothing more.

Maybe I'll find my way again.
And then again, maybe I won't.
Maybe I'll remain lost and scared for a long time.
To be honest, I don't know if I would even be myself at all if I wasn't always lost and scared and unsure of where I was going.
And despite all my faults and failures... I like me.