Where are all the happy people?

I'm beginning to hate this city with all the heart I possess in me.
Night after night the train thunders through and all I can do is stare after it longingly from the corporate jail cell I call my job.
I wish I could tell myself that living this way is justified.
I can't.

I'M BROKEN AND DESTINED TO FOREVER BE ALONE.

I AM THE DAUGHTER OF NOTHING.

Vick Park Panorama

I'm tired of always being the backbone.
For once I want to be one of those bones that can break without drastically impairing the rest of the skeleton.
Every once in a while I need to break down and cry on someone's shoulder for a while.
Every once in a while I need to feel like shit and not try to fix it.
Every once in a while I just want to wallow in my own damn misery.

As a dear friend once said; "Let me cry myself a damn river and when I'm ready I'll build myself a bridge and get over it!"
Amen.

Another Update:

I don't wish I were dead anymore, just asleep for a loooooong time.

An update:

I wish I were fucking dead.

Just Not Me

Today I took a photo of myself and decided to try to edit the bags out from under my eyes.
It just didn't look like me.
I've grown so accustomed to looking worn out that I don't know what it's like to look awake and alive.
I wish that someday this would change.
But for some reason I feel that I will always look just as I do now.
I'm learning to accept that...

I feel like I'm failing, I feel like I'm falling.

Over the past few days I've been really bummed.
And if you were to ask my why I'm bummed, I would probably tell you that I'm perfectly fine, because even I wouldn't know that I'm bummed.
I would think everything's fine and that I'm just being a little extra quiet today.
Well this is how I felt.
Until Heather questioned and prodded and I exploded a little.

Lately, I've been feeling like I'm not going anywhere.
I feel like I'm making multiple attempts to get back on track and I'm always fucking them up.
I'm slipping and occasionally I'm falling.
Now, don't get me wrong, failing is part of life. It's a healthy part of life.
And there are many times that I've failed at something and in the end I was glad that I did because of what I learned from that.
But I feel like I'm making the same mistake over and over and over.
I feel like I'm tackling the same thing ever day and I'm always messing up and never learning.
I KNOW what I'm doing wrong, I KNOW how I can fix it, and yet there I am every day.
Jumping and falling, running and stopping.
My willpower is suffering, and every time I mess up, it suffers a little more.
It's a vicious cycle that I'm having a hard time overcoming and I don't know why.
I've always been good at this.
I'm self-aware, I know when shit is fucked up and I know how to fix it.
I've always been good at self-improvement.
Maybe I'm just scared...

Mom asked me what I was going to do once I was out of school.
What I was aiming for.
What I wanted to do, and if school was going to get me there.
I immediately started crying.
A perfect example of how I can sometimes convince myself that everything is okay and that I have everything on track, when clearly, once presented with reality and no where to run, it's not.
I don't know what I'm doing.
I have never known what I am going to do.
I wing it.
You hear that everyone?!
I WING IT!
There is no plan. There is no schedule. There is no organization.
I don't know how to plan or do all of those things.
I've always been reckless and I don't know how to stop.
Sometimes I'm proud of that, and then sometimes I wonder why I can't just be normal.
Or abnormal, depending on whether organization is an abnormality or not.
This could be my best trait.
This could also be my biggest flaw.

I just don't know what I can do to help myself this time.
I feel like I need help.
But how does one go about asking for help for a matter like this?
The only person that can help me, is me.
It's always been like that, and it will remain like that.
And I guess that means that this post is just a rant, and nothing more.

Maybe I'll find my way again.
And then again, maybe I won't.
Maybe I'll remain lost and scared for a long time.
To be honest, I don't know if I would even be myself at all if I wasn't always lost and scared and unsure of where I was going.
And despite all my faults and failures... I like me.

Today I had a plan...

Something I felt I had to do.
Something I felt needed to be done.
I pride myself on my ability to see the truth, to see reality.
And I thought that this was a reality that couldn't be ignored.
But then, at that moment of truth, something changed.
And minds and hearts were opened up further than they'd ever been opened.
And words were spoken easier and more comfortably than ever.
Hands were held, kisses were given, and even a change of heart was had.
I set out to do something today, and I completely and utterly... failed.
I had been feeling selfish.
I had been feeling like I was lying to the world and to myself.
But maybe I'm just a little too careful.
Maybe I'm just a little too stubborn.
Hold that thought, I know that I'm a little too stubborn.
But where to go now?
I feel that my task isn't over.
I feel that it still has to be done.
And now, you see my dilemma.

My heart is telling me something.
But my head doesn't want to listen.

Welcome to 2009!

It's the beginning of yet another year.
The Christmas rush is coming to an end and everything is about to get very quiet as people gear down to get ready for the year to come.
I spent my New Years at Victoria Park in London with some good friends this year, and I must say, I had an awesome time.
Jagermeister, Red Bull and no pants parties seem to bring a good, fun crowd, haha.
I did manage to find myself a New Years kiss, and then I managed to drunkenly ask said person to be my boyfriend.
Which is really not at all bad considering he said yes and considering that I don't regret it, since I do happen to like him a lot.
So far, the first 23 hours of the new year have been good ones and I hope the good hours are here to stay.

Now, every new year people always ask each other the question, "What is your New Years resolution?", and upon being asked this I decided that I am not going to have one.
The way I see it is, why do we have to have a "New Years resolution"?
Why should the new year be your only excuse to change or fix something that you had all of the previous year to change or fix?
This year, for me, is the year of "doing".
I am going to get out there and do. Stop talking about it and just do.
I am going to try, going to give my best effort.
I'd like to say that this is the year that I will not fail but we all know that failure is a part of life.
So I am going to try and I am going to fail but I am not going to give up.
I feel like this is going to be a good year for me.
And I feel like you, whoever you are, should try your best to make it a good one for yourself.